It’s been killing me not to say this sooner, but I have some news, which has to do with the fact that Darling is now hiring (bear with me—this post is a bit long-winded!)…
A couple weeks ago, I made a difficult but really-good-for-me decision to step away from my position at Darling. (Gasp!!) Of course, I absolutely love everything that Darling is about and I learned so much during my time overseeing the website. However, I have worked remotely from the team since I started my role in May last year. I thought it wouldn’t be an issue, but as it turned out, being far away from the team only got tougher and tougher, and I noticed over the past several months that I felt disconnected from the rest of the team in LA despite how wonderful everyone is (seriously, best coworkers in the world) and how meaningful the work is.
It took what felt like forever to finally break the news to Sarah and Steve—my amazing friends and the owners of the magazine—that my time with the publication was ending. As I processed my feelings and imagined what I might say, I realized I had a lot of fear associated with stepping away. Would they feel like I was letting them down? Will they be able to quickly find someone to replace me? Will people think I’m nuts for leaving this dream of a job?
I spent a lot of time having conversations with friends of mine who had found themselves in similar positions, and cannot thank those people enough for listening to me say the same thing over and over again and continuing to encourage me to pray about the decision and not let fear be the reason I stayed. I eventually got to a place where I knew what I wanted to do for sure, but it wasn’t until I read this article—written by a girl who left her dream job at Google—that I turned my thoughts to action. (I read it three times, soaking in every word, then sent it to Brian in an email with the subject line, “This, exactly, yes…”). Specifically, these were the parts that spoke to my soul, my emphasis added…
>> “When I sat down and really thought about why I was resisting, I realized something about myself that I didn’t like, something that I’m ashamed to even admit now. The main reason I was resisting was because I would be giving up the safety and prestige associated with life as a Googler. When I reflected more, I realized that external recognition had unfortunately become a primary motivator for me.”
>> “Over time, being recognized for what I did became more exciting as the stakes grew higher (honor roll, getting into prep school, getting into Wellesley, getting an award in college, getting a prized internship, getting a job at Google). The problem I now faced was what to do when what I wanted to do next (give it all up) didn’t come with many brownie points at all, except maybe that I was gutsy. Nothing had prepared me for that. In fact, the need for recognition was still so engrained in me that I leaned on my start up as a crutch during my exit from Google. ‘I’m leaving to work on my start up idea.’ That was shorter and more palatable than ‘I’m taking time to slow down and better understand myself and what I want out of this life.'”
>> “It was my fear of failure that made me stay, my fear of what people would think. It was no one’s pressure but my own. And that was the worst kind because it never went away.”
>> “It was that moment that I realized I was truly free to do whatever I wanted in this world and it was completely up to me to make it happen. It was my life, and I had to stop caring what people thought about it. If I wanted to bake, I should. If I wanted to write, I should. If I wanted to start a company, I should. If I wanted to do nothing, I should….Being nowhere forced me to stay silent long enough to hear what I hadn’t wanted to admit: I wasn’t living authentically.”
You might be wondering—now, what? Well, I’m planning to move forward with my writing and blogging (and perhaps more freelance work), as well as find more balance in my life, really investing in my relationship with Brian, my friendships, and my creative work during this season of life before Brian and I expand our family. (Oh, and of course I’ll still be writing for Glitter Guide and working for Lindsay Letters!) It hasn’t been an easy decision to make, but I know it was the right one. The possibilities for the future are endless, and I’m feeling pretty amazing about it.
I now leave you with two questions … (1) Have you ever left your “dream job” to try something new and/or better serve your family? (2) Now that I’ll be fully focused on my creative work, what more would you like to see—here on this blog, on my social media channels, in YouTube videos, etc.? Let me know!
P.S. Interested in being my replacement at Darling? Learn more about the open position here >>
Image via @darlingmagazine on Instagram