I sometimes feel like I’m wandering, though not necessarily lost—perhaps just searching. I feel pulled in one direction or another, never quite sure where my mind is going, but certain that I’m getting closer and closer to what I’m yearning for. You see, I’m on a life-long beauty hunt. I crave it, I yearn for it, I constantly try to define it and figure out what it means to live it out in its truest form. I suppose you could call me a beauty addict.
In her book One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp absolutely puts poetic and truthful words to the aimless thoughts coursing through my mind…
I want to see beauty. In the ugly, in the sink, in the suffering, in the daily, in all the days before I die, the moments before I sleep. Isn’t beauty what we yearn to burn with before we die? What else so ignites, hot flame? Beauty is all that is glory and God is Beauty embodied, glory manifested. This is what I crave: I hunger for Beauty. Is that why I must keep up the hunt? When I cease the beauty hunt, is that why I begin to starve, waste away?
Like an addiction, a compulsion that can’t stop its seeking, do I always want to see more beauty—more of the glory of God? Because that is what I am made for—to give Him more glory.
Beauty requires no justification, no explanation; it simply is and transcends. See beauty and we know it in the marrow, even if we have no words for it: Someone is behind it, in it. Beauty Himself completes.
What is this that I feel sitting here, coursing through me relentless, hot, ardent? I have to seek God beauty. Because isn’t my internal circuitry wired to seek out something worthy of worship? Every moment I live, I live bowed to something. And if I don’t see God, I’ll bow down before something else.
Like Ann, I want to see beauty. I have to have it. I yearn for it. I am addicted to the seeking. Often, sadly, I try to satisfy this addictive craving through false means—falling prey to our culture’s definitions of beauty and trying to fit myself into a “beauty” mold that is far from what’s real, true or intended. But just because I go astray on the hunt doesn’t mean I should stop seeking.
There is a deep yearning for true, lasting beauty in my heart—a beauty that I know is of God and can only be satisfied through knowing God. And because of that, I know this hunt for the truest form of beauty—this God beauty—must go on day after day, or I’ll certainly let our culture’s lies about beauty permeate my mind and steer me away from the only beauty that satisfies the longing I have.
So, the hunting, striving, searching and reminding continues, and the effort is well worth my time.